Hi Reader,
If you've been keeping up with my newsletters the last few months or have been following me on Instagram, then you might be aware that I am deep in my crowdfunding era for my queer rom-com, Last Man Standing.
If you're new here, the film is about a black woman in her 30s stepping into her queerness later in life and the series of unfortunate dating events she experiences along the way to her queer happily ever after.
Yes.....inspired by true events in my life 😊 🌈.
And while this has been both an extremely rewarding and successful experience, it's also been confronting and triggering, hence the title of this newsletter.
One of our biggest and most recent successes has been the film being chosen to receive a large donation from Academy Award nominated director, Jason Reitman (Juno and Thank You For Smoking), through our crowdfunding platform's board of investors.
It's extremely exciting and at the same time, I think it's important for people not just to see dreams come true but also have some transparency into the reality of how that happens - both the magic and the challenges......and as always, I believe creativity can be a portal for healing.
Before I dive in, I am proudly plugging that we have raised nearly $17k and are currently still fundraising (goal is $40k) and if you - or someone you know - would like to support our majority BIPOC, queer and women led team bringing this film to life, you can do so here. Any/all amounts make a difference!
Moving on.......Below, you'll find the list without without explanation and if you have time, you can keep scrolling to read more about each one.
And just a gentle reminder that yes, I am putting this in the context of a very specific situation like crowdfunding but find that most of these apply to many other various aspects of life.
1.) Asking for Money (or any type of support) is Vulnerable
2.) Separating Self-Worth from People's Responses is Critical
3.) Crowdfunding is a Mirror for Attachment Patterns
4.) Assumptions make an A** Out of Me......
5.) It's Not Personal: People are BUSY, Overwhelmed, Exhausted & Overstimulated
6.) It's Not Personal: ADHD is Real
7.) Receiving Can Trigger "Enoughness Wounds"
8.) Most People WANT to Support You
9.) Your Dream Is Your Priority, Not Everyone Else's
10.) People are Bought Into YOU
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1.) Asking for Money (or any support) is Vulnerable
This may seem obvious - a lot of these do - but I think we learn things at different levels at different points in our life.
Asking for support with anything, especially something that is important to you, feels more tender because it is more tender. Both money and creativity are connected to our ideas around self-worth so when these things are combined, it can feel particularly vulnerable.
It feels a bit like you're putting your heart on the line because the reality is.....you are!
2.) Separating Self-Worth from People's Responses is Critical
Continuing from the above, creativity/art or really anything that feels important to you is going to feel riskier when you're putting it out into the world or you're asking for support with it.
You don't know how people are going to respond and the reality is that it's none of your business because it's really not in your control.
When we create something or build something from the heart and we put so much of ourselves into it, it can feel easy to then attach our worth or value to it as well.
The issue with that is then when people don't respond in the way we think they should, our self-worth is enmeshed with that response (or lack thereof).
We can care deeply about the things we are creating or building without our inherent value being attached to it.
We want to be committed, not attached to our dreams.
3.) Crowdfunding is a Mirror for Attachment Patterns
I am not an expert in attachment styles but I know that in the past I have dealt with anxious attachment within my relationships. I have done a lot of work on that and have come lightyears......and......I've been able to see where those wounds still exist with this process.
There have been many times I've had to walk myself off the ledge - more so in the beginning of this journey- when I hadn't heard back from people after sending through our donation link and would find myself spiraling.
"Am I being annoying?" "Am I asking too much?" "Do they think this is stupid?" "DO THEY HATE ME??"
Again, I think has been particularly emphasized given the vulnerability of this film / creative dream and at the same time, I know I've dealt with these thought patterns in so many other moments when I am being vulnerable and putting myself out there with people.
Thankfully, I know myself and my patterns enough to see the spiral and utilize my tools, resources and support systems to help ground me in reality......which is that the answer to most of those questions is no.
4.) Assumptions Make an A** Out of Me.....
You know the phrase. It's a little cringe but unfortunately it's true. I've watched myself make entire narratives and stories around why someone hasn't responded only for them to text me back days - or maybe even weeks later - apologizing that they hadn't gotten back to me sooner and how excited they are to support.
HATE THAT FOR ME. I mean I love it because I deeply appreciate the support and it's also just such a read on the crazy work of unfounded assumptions.
My skin has certainly grown much thicker over this process simply from repetition along but more than that is my awareness of when my thinking goes into worst case scenario mode.
If I find that I start going into that mode, I give myself 3 other potential reasons for a lack of response beyond "they don't care" (see below).
5.) It's Not Personal: People are overwhelmed, busy, burnt out and at capacity
This is just a fundamental and obvious truth and yet somehow gets conveniently forgotten when you're putting something that you care about (and yourself) out into the world.
People are TIRED. They have jobs, families, friends, health issues, financial stress, too many screens, too many demands, not enough sleep, not enough support and none of that even includes the daily existential crisis of just existing in the United States / on planet earth right now.
It's not personal. I'm an extremely compassionate person but this process has made me realize when I feel very vulnerable or exposed, that sometimes I can have tunnel vision and take things personally when they are in fact very far from being personal.
People for the most part are, understandably, just trying to survive!
6.) It's Not Personal: ADHD is real
Not that I didn't believe it was before by any means, but this has just been a gentle reminder.
The amount of people that have said "I'm so sorry I meant to respond to this but got distracted" or "I thought I responded to this!" is countless.
Again, it's not personal. Everyday feels like a lifetime. Everyone is just trying to survive.
7.) Receiving Can Trigger "Enoughness" Wounds
The thing about crowdfunding is that beyond supporting you, your dream and in our case queer, BIPOC art and artists, there isn't a ton of tangible "ROI" for someone (I would argue the things I listed are a massive ROI but I digress lol).
This means that they are primarily giving to support you and the project.
For me personally, there have been moments where this has activated old "enoughness" feelings where I've wondered if I was enough to simply receive and/or feelings of guilt that I wasn't "doing enough" to receive..... or that I would now be in debt in some way.
I welcome these moments as opportunities to reveal and ultimately heal these pains not only for this current moment but for moments moving forward (this usually looks like EFT Tapping obviously lol).
8.) People WANT to Support You
It may or may not be financial, but people for the most part ultimately do want to support you.
I had a roommate, who I haven't spoken to in TWELVE YEARS not only donate but go on to say how inspired she was and how proud she was. It came out of left field and it really touched me to see how this film is impacting people.
I've had people donate amounts that truly shocked me (in a good way) and I have had people who are actively unemployed still find ways to support whether that be monetarily or in other ways.
I've had numerous exes - from serious relationships to flings - donate.
It's not even about the money.
Yes, receiving money to make this film happen is amazing but ultimately it's more about the energy of support and people's belief in you and your vision that is the most moving.
9.) Your Dream is Your World, Not Everyone Else's
I've compared this (mildly) to when people first have babies and they are their entire world.....as they should be! You're literally keeping a human being alive.
It's a life changing event and while people on the outside can deeply care and support in all the ways, their world still does not shift in the same way the parents' world does. It's not the same focus.
It's not that different for creative dreams or anything that requires you to put yourself - or your work - out there. It's YOUR world and your focus but that doesn't mean it's everyone else's.
People can still care and you also can't hold them to the same level of care as yourself (and that's ok).
Nuance!
10.) People are More Bought into YOU vs. Your idea
This is a good thing! Whether you're crowdfunding or putting yourself out there in some other way, people are drawn to you/your energy way before they are drawn to whatever it is you're talking about. That means you can un-collapse this idea that your idea or whatever you are doing needs to be perfect.
The excitement YOU have around something will go much further than just having great materials and zero confidence around it (but having a great pitch deck helps......which to be clear, we do lol).
There's so much more I could say about the way this entire filmmaking journey has changed me but I will save that for future newsletters.
In the meantime, I hope these lessons can act as some sort of tether if you are in the process of putting yourself out there so you can continue to do so with joy and clarity.
Sending a lot of 🌈,
p.s - please send this email on to anyone who might need it!
Bianca